My blog... soon to become my own website: BorderlineDiaries.com - I'll explain the name behind the meaning once I've got it up and running, which should be fairly soon.
Look for it!
28 August, 2010
20 August, 2010
When I Can't Sleep, I Think About...
I've been up all night. My eyes - they burn as though I've been pacing through a sandstorm. My head is pounding like a jackhammer on steroids. Racing thoughts have consumed the last several hours, and I just WANT TO SLEEP ... for the love of god! It's 4:30 AM. FOUR THIRTY. I've Googled every possible topic that's crossed the threshold of my hyperactive mind.
So, I shall ramble on my insights:
I would like to obtain a piano. I recently discovered that I have an innate ability to play although I've never been formally trained - let alone played a single note (until just the other day). In that case, if you have a piano that's not needed (or that you simply don't want), I'd be more than happy to take it off your hands. I suppose I could scour through Craigslist and snag a deal. Or, maybe a garage sale...
Is our country so preoccupied with sports that it's necessary to testify and present a case to the Supreme Court? In my opinion, you're an idiot if you use steroids; anyhow, we've got more important issues to deal with as a society. Like world peace, or somethin' like that.
And by god... are those "required weekly tests" that ever so annoyingly violate my television, radio or any other source of media truly necessary? I do believe my ears will bleed profusely at any moment. Also, thank you for disallowing me to catch what's going on with the traffic at 5 am. I might end up goose-necking on 315 because some poor soul is repairing a flat tire. I could have taken Olentangy River Road, damnit. Annnnnnd there we go again - round four. I get the point, 10tv.
I'm incredibly irked that I got a ticket for $168. Wasn't totaling my car punishment enough? If it weren't for the warrant they'd put out for my arrest, chances are I'd conveniently "forget" to pay up. Bah. When it rains, it pours. I know, cliche, cliche. But, it's the truth, and you know it.
And, for the grand finale... What's better than a Snuggie? A SNAZZY NAPPER! How original. Thanks, QVC. Just when I thought life couldn't be any more grand, you remind me that it's entirely possible to become overly excited when attempting to outdo the Snuggie. I guess that's what I get for flipping through late night TV. High quality stuff. And how ironic: it's so important that they've devoted an entire segment on the morning news... I mean, there's nothing else going on in the world, right?
So, I've managed to waste some time that I could have spent sleeping which I can't seem to do AT ALL anymore. It's funny to see thoughts spelled out - it makes me realize how ridiculous some of my innuendos and random ideas truly are.
If you're reading my blog and you've got one as well, let me know and I'll add you, or follow you or stalk you -- whatever it is they call it here.
Oh yeah, Red Bull is like crack that's good for you; however, it's probably not all that good for you, but it's better than crack!
'Nuf said.
So, I shall ramble on my insights:
I would like to obtain a piano. I recently discovered that I have an innate ability to play although I've never been formally trained - let alone played a single note (until just the other day). In that case, if you have a piano that's not needed (or that you simply don't want), I'd be more than happy to take it off your hands. I suppose I could scour through Craigslist and snag a deal. Or, maybe a garage sale...
Is our country so preoccupied with sports that it's necessary to testify and present a case to the Supreme Court? In my opinion, you're an idiot if you use steroids; anyhow, we've got more important issues to deal with as a society. Like world peace, or somethin' like that.
And by god... are those "required weekly tests" that ever so annoyingly violate my television, radio or any other source of media truly necessary? I do believe my ears will bleed profusely at any moment. Also, thank you for disallowing me to catch what's going on with the traffic at 5 am. I might end up goose-necking on 315 because some poor soul is repairing a flat tire. I could have taken Olentangy River Road, damnit. Annnnnnd there we go again - round four. I get the point, 10tv.
I'm incredibly irked that I got a ticket for $168. Wasn't totaling my car punishment enough? If it weren't for the warrant they'd put out for my arrest, chances are I'd conveniently "forget" to pay up. Bah. When it rains, it pours. I know, cliche, cliche. But, it's the truth, and you know it.
And, for the grand finale... What's better than a Snuggie? A SNAZZY NAPPER! How original. Thanks, QVC. Just when I thought life couldn't be any more grand, you remind me that it's entirely possible to become overly excited when attempting to outdo the Snuggie. I guess that's what I get for flipping through late night TV. High quality stuff. And how ironic: it's so important that they've devoted an entire segment on the morning news... I mean, there's nothing else going on in the world, right?
So, I've managed to waste some time that I could have spent sleeping which I can't seem to do AT ALL anymore. It's funny to see thoughts spelled out - it makes me realize how ridiculous some of my innuendos and random ideas truly are.
If you're reading my blog and you've got one as well, let me know and I'll add you, or follow you or stalk you -- whatever it is they call it here.
Oh yeah, Red Bull is like crack that's good for you; however, it's probably not all that good for you, but it's better than crack!
'Nuf said.
19 August, 2010
I'm Not Perfect, and This is Why. In Fact, Perfect Does Not Exist...
Who'd have ever thought that in the last month and a half, I would have experienced the most trying, difficult and literally the most insanity I've ever faced during the 25 years I've walked this Earth. I could almost feel the sensation of dying - crawling and carving out my demise as I lay motionless, my mind racing at the speed of light and the hope that I'd never live to see another day. I can't even begin to explain the shame, pain and agony of self defeat I'd grown to encounter day, after day, after exhausting, heart-wrenching day. How could an individual such as myself - seemingly normal, average and, for a lack of better terms, mediocre - personify hatred on such a level that I had more respect for the dirt that covered my shoes than I did for my own life? I have a beautiful daughter for whom I'd give my own life - but the fact that I placed no value upon MY life is a statement in itself. I needed to be willing to give her so much more - something of value. I'm a work in progress. I'm learning to get to know who I am, to love myself as a unique individual and to be able to give my family the love that they, too, deserve. If one lacks love and cannot accept them-self, then the question arises: how are they to love anyone else?
Five times. Five different situations in a month and a half - I've been hospitalized. Specifics need not be discussed; however, I'm alive, and I'm alive for a reason. I've learned a lot about who I am, why I became a person I despised and also - I'm a relatively intelligent individual with quite a bit to offer. I strived for constant perfection - to appear faultless, well-rounded and portrayed a phony, bogus façade for the pure concept of deception - dishonesty that "everything was under control." I'm impulsive. I suppress. I'm a creature of hidden identity purely for the sake of burying my insecurities. I'm obsessive-compulsive. Deal with it.
I've had an epiphany of sorts. I've recently met people that have impacted my life so greatly that I now believe there is a rationale as to why our paths cross with those of certain individuals. We are all powerful in ways that we may never recognize - but keep in mind, something that's said - or even a simple, kind gesture may, in the end, afford a life-saving instance worthy of a straightforward "thank you."
I've discovered that perfection does not exist. Society has lead us to believe that perfection is essential to be successful. To that, I condemn. I have a crooked nose... so what. If I wanted to look like Heidi Montag, I'd get it "fixed" - I'd get everything "fixed." But, it's part of who I am as an individual. Others don't seem to be inconvenienced by my so called "flaws," so I ask myself: "Why the hell am I?"
Scrutinize me - pick me apart and damn me if that is so your will. But I've learned to leave judgments with my higher power - whomever he or she may be.
We all have our own stories, and I've provided you with a fragment of mine. I'm unwilling to allow a "guessing game," gossip-fest, or whatever it is you may think, to have power over the individual I'm meant to be. I've spent my entire life worrying how others portray me. But, do you know what? This is MY time now. I'm just as screwy in the head as everyone else - and if one is convinced that they've no screws loose - even just a bit - they're the ones that need the most tightening.
My name is Erin, and I am not perfect, nor will I ever, ever be perfect. Thank you.
Five times. Five different situations in a month and a half - I've been hospitalized. Specifics need not be discussed; however, I'm alive, and I'm alive for a reason. I've learned a lot about who I am, why I became a person I despised and also - I'm a relatively intelligent individual with quite a bit to offer. I strived for constant perfection - to appear faultless, well-rounded and portrayed a phony, bogus façade for the pure concept of deception - dishonesty that "everything was under control." I'm impulsive. I suppress. I'm a creature of hidden identity purely for the sake of burying my insecurities. I'm obsessive-compulsive. Deal with it.
I've had an epiphany of sorts. I've recently met people that have impacted my life so greatly that I now believe there is a rationale as to why our paths cross with those of certain individuals. We are all powerful in ways that we may never recognize - but keep in mind, something that's said - or even a simple, kind gesture may, in the end, afford a life-saving instance worthy of a straightforward "thank you."
I've discovered that perfection does not exist. Society has lead us to believe that perfection is essential to be successful. To that, I condemn. I have a crooked nose... so what. If I wanted to look like Heidi Montag, I'd get it "fixed" - I'd get everything "fixed." But, it's part of who I am as an individual. Others don't seem to be inconvenienced by my so called "flaws," so I ask myself: "Why the hell am I?"
Scrutinize me - pick me apart and damn me if that is so your will. But I've learned to leave judgments with my higher power - whomever he or she may be.
We all have our own stories, and I've provided you with a fragment of mine. I'm unwilling to allow a "guessing game," gossip-fest, or whatever it is you may think, to have power over the individual I'm meant to be. I've spent my entire life worrying how others portray me. But, do you know what? This is MY time now. I'm just as screwy in the head as everyone else - and if one is convinced that they've no screws loose - even just a bit - they're the ones that need the most tightening.
My name is Erin, and I am not perfect, nor will I ever, ever be perfect. Thank you.
14 August, 2010
Yes, That Was About Me. Let's Clear the Air.
I am sure that a good majority of those who know me (or being that I am from a small community, word had traveled intravenously through the grapevine) are aware that I had recently fallen victim to the perils of worldly judgment and been trapped by the pitfalls of universal madness. I'm a broken soul - cracked, torn and ripped apart - with jagged edges as if I were a puzzle left with missing pieces - of which none belong together.
Someone recently, beyond comprehension, looked at me - just stared into my eyes for a moment, and told me that I light up a room just with my presence. They said my smile was kind and beautiful, and there was an aura about me that was incredibly powerful. I ask myself why - why is it that I don't see this person - I don't see this "light," this "power," this "presence?" What is this beautiful person of whom they speak?
I could be a powerful individual - an influence, an inspiration. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and listening to the bullshit, cliche compliments being strewn about in a manner so forced and meaningless.
It's times when a perfect stranger realizes that there's something more to me than just a shell of a human being - someone who knows absolutely nothing about me, and has the audacity to come forth just to tell me, "you light up a room." It's poignant, uplifting, moving.
I AM a work in progress. Though made of broken, shattered shards of glass - I have the capability to be repaired a single piece at a time -and as a wise man once said, "live life one day at a time." That shall be my aphorism until I am once again whole, complete and able to love the person that I am and will become.
Someone recently, beyond comprehension, looked at me - just stared into my eyes for a moment, and told me that I light up a room just with my presence. They said my smile was kind and beautiful, and there was an aura about me that was incredibly powerful. I ask myself why - why is it that I don't see this person - I don't see this "light," this "power," this "presence?" What is this beautiful person of whom they speak?
I could be a powerful individual - an influence, an inspiration. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and listening to the bullshit, cliche compliments being strewn about in a manner so forced and meaningless.
It's times when a perfect stranger realizes that there's something more to me than just a shell of a human being - someone who knows absolutely nothing about me, and has the audacity to come forth just to tell me, "you light up a room." It's poignant, uplifting, moving.
I AM a work in progress. Though made of broken, shattered shards of glass - I have the capability to be repaired a single piece at a time -and as a wise man once said, "live life one day at a time." That shall be my aphorism until I am once again whole, complete and able to love the person that I am and will become.
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