I'm Not Perfect, and This is Why. In Fact, Perfect Does Not Exist...

Who'd have ever thought that in the last month and a half, I would have experienced the most trying, difficult and literally the most insanity I've ever faced during the 25 years I've walked this Earth. I could almost feel the sensation of dying - crawling and carving out my demise as I lay motionless, my mind racing at the speed of light and the hope that I'd never live to see another day. I can't even begin to explain the shame, pain and agony of self defeat I'd grown to encounter day, after day, after exhausting, heart-wrenching day. How could an individual such as myself - seemingly normal, average and, for a lack of better terms, mediocre - personify hatred on such a level that I had more respect for the dirt that covered my shoes than I did for my own life? I have a beautiful daughter for whom I'd give my own life - but the fact that I placed no value upon MY life is a statement in itself. I needed to be willing to give her so much more - something of value. I'm a work in progress. I'm learning to get to know who I am, to love myself as a unique individual and to be able to give my family the love that they, too, deserve. If one lacks love and cannot accept them-self, then the question arises: how are they to love anyone else?
Five times. Five different situations in a month and a half - I've been hospitalized. Specifics need not be discussed; however, I'm alive, and I'm alive for a reason. I've learned a lot about who I am, why I became a person I despised and also - I'm a relatively intelligent individual with quite a bit to offer. I strived for constant perfection - to appear faultless, well-rounded and portrayed a phony, bogus façade for the pure concept of deception - dishonesty that "everything was under control." I'm impulsive. I suppress. I'm a creature of hidden identity purely for the sake of burying my insecurities. I'm obsessive-compulsive. Deal with it.
I've had an epiphany of sorts. I've recently met people that have impacted my life so greatly that I now believe there is a rationale as to why our paths cross with those of certain individuals. We are all powerful in ways that we may never recognize - but keep in mind, something that's said - or even a simple, kind gesture may, in the end, afford a life-saving instance worthy of a straightforward "thank you."
I've discovered that perfection does not exist. Society has lead us to believe that perfection is essential to be successful. To that, I condemn. I have a crooked nose... so what. If I wanted to look like Heidi Montag, I'd get it "fixed" - I'd get everything "fixed." But, it's part of who I am as an individual. Others don't seem to be inconvenienced by my so called "flaws," so I ask myself: "Why the hell am I?"
Scrutinize me - pick me apart and damn me if that is so your will. But I've learned to leave judgments with my higher power - whomever he or she may be.
We all have our own stories, and I've provided you with a fragment of mine. I'm unwilling to allow a "guessing game," gossip-fest, or whatever it is you may think, to have power over the individual I'm meant to be. I've spent my entire life worrying how others portray me. But, do you know what? This is MY time now. I'm just as screwy in the head as everyone else - and if one is convinced that they've no screws loose - even just a bit - they're the ones that need the most tightening.

My name is Erin, and I am not perfect, nor will I ever, ever be perfect. Thank you.